How To Behave In Public - Elevators

Congratulations! You've discovered vertical transportation through the miracle of the Elevator!! Elevators carry 3.82 billion people over 82.3 quadrillion vertical miles every single day. Elevators are one of the single most popular modes of transportation on the planet. Now that it's the first time you've been in a elevator, you should take a moment to savor that landmark you have achieved. 

After some self-congratulatory back patting, however, it's time to understand your role in the Elevator. The following are some tips that will help you become acclimated to life in Elevators. Pay close attention to prevent anyone from becoming injured, or even killed. Who knows... The life you save may be your own. 

Please memorize these important tips:

  1. Be aware that you will be given very little time to make adjustments or decisions. It's best to act as impulsively as possible when engaging an Elevator. 
  2. After the doors have opened, quickly move inside and stake your claim. If this is your first Elevator, look to the left and right of the doors from the inside. On one or both sides, you will find the Elevator control panel. Do NOT panic.*
  3. Once the Elevator begins to move, you are free to move about the Elevator, just don't go to far. You might miss your floor!
  4. Elevators make a noise to indicate when it has arrived at a floor. Please keep your screaming and/or loud horseplay to a minimum so the other passengers can hear the indicator sound. 
  5. Some Elevators use flimsy glass for the outside walls instead of bullet-proof steel plating. Make sure to keep your profile towards the glass or carry a shield for extra protection from snipers. 
  6. Some Elevators that use flimsy glass are located in upscale regions where sniper fire is not common. In these cases, make sure to keep your hands on the glass to steady yourself as the Elevator moves. 
  7. In case of an emergency which does not result in your Elevator falling hundreds of feet to reduce all passengers to a sticky, wet mess, you will find an escape hatch in the ceiling. Before opening the hatch all the way, be sure to check for trip wires or feral rodents.
  8. On the rare occasions you find yourself feeling confined or are prone to fits of claustrophobia, position yourself near the door and face the back of the Elevator. This signals your fellow passengers to respectfully back away to give you some room to clear your head. Be sure to smile broadly and give a thumbs up to show your appreciation. 

* While you may think the Elevator a space craft or amazing machine from the future, the Elevator is well grounded in complex scientific theory. At no time should you ever try to reprogram an Elevator. 

Once you start taking trips via Elevator, be sure to follow all the rules of etiquette and decorum and you'll do just fine. Also, remember to feel comfortable. Feel free to talk on a mobile phone or chat with your fellow passengers about their potential destination. People often feel tense while traveling, and a friendly face can help ease their anxiety.

Before you know it, you'll be an Elevator expert!